My family situation is wrong, as expected
by Bondage Bear
Summary: Not much is known about Hachiman's parents, only that they were corporate slaves and were seldom home due to their jobs. But what exactly do they do? Hachiman wished he never found out.


My family situation is wrong, as expected

A/N: I haven't updated anything in a long time and I'm sorry for that. I've stopped writing for a while since I've become busy with life matters. Since I've been gone so long, I forgot the ideas I had for my other stories. I wrote this to try and get back in the swing of things so please enjoy.

I also wrote this to try and experiment writing in the first person POV so it might seem a bit choppy.

Synopsis: Not much is known about Hachiman's parents, only that they were corporate slaves and were seldom home due to their jobs. But what exactly do they do? Hachiman wished he never found out.

Chapter 1

It all started with a simple question.

It was a rare occasion that the Hikigaya family ate dinner together. Most nights, it's just me and my cute little sister alone in this house at night. She would welcome me home with dinner already prepared. Seriously, it's as if we're married or something.

Calm down, me.

It would be nice if she could take care of me for the rest of my life though...

Tonight however, an unwelcome intrusion in this sacred time between siblings was sat at our dinner table.

"So delicious, Komachi-chan!" Our mother cooed as she shoveled food into her mouth.

Oi, have some manners, lady. Think about the example you're setting for your children!

"Hehe," Komachi's smile was almost bright enough to melt my pitch black heart. Gah, what is this feeling? I feel like I'm about to turn to ashes!

"My daughter's all grown up," our mother sighed, "ah, I could die knowing that at least one of my children turned out right."

I ignored the glare sent at me and focused on eating as much of Komachi's food as possible. If I lagged behind, this woman would surely eat it all, leaving none for me.

Seeing that I ignored her, she focused her attention back to my sister.

"Komachi..." her tone turned sorrowful, "I know that you already have much on your plate, being the growing girl that you are but... It would give your mother peace of mind if you could take care of your useless onii-chan for a little longer, okay?"

So she just insults me right in my face huh?

"Don't worry, kaa-chan! Komachi will take care of onii-chan forever! Oh! That's high in Komachi points, teehee."

Guh! The cuteness factor is over 9000!

Keep it up and my poor heart won't be able to take anymore! I might just confess and be rejected instantly!

"You're leaving tomorrow?" Komachi thankfully steered the conversation in a new direction. Good job imouto, you definitely know when your beloved onii-chan needs rescuing.

Mother sighed and patted her on the head. "Yes. Sorry Komachi, but something came up at work and your kaa-chan needs to solve it... _personally_."

Whoa, did her eyes flash for a second?

Nah, must have just imagined it. This isn't some shitty shounen anime after all.

"Aww." Komachi looked depressed at her answer.

Damn, see what you did, woman? Not even her 'useless onii-chan' can make Komachi look like a kicked puppy. Do you see what you've become? You've become a puppy kicker, the worst of the worst.

"Speaking of which, what exactly do you do anyway?"

Despite the fact that I knew they were corporate slaves, I knew next to nothing about the jobs of my parents. I've already gotten used to it just being me and Komachi at home so much so that I never really cared enough to ask what was keeping them from spending time with their children. In fact, it's come to the point that I'd prefer it if they didn't come home at all.

My mother's head turned towards me and the look she gave was one of such intensity that I couldn't help but flinch. Her normally warm brown eyes seemed to have grown cold and calculating, as if assessing my worth and finding it wanting.

As quickly as it came, it was gone. Was that another hallucination? Her eyes were a warm brown as always, her pretty face (for who else would my sister get her cuteness from?) was as homely as before.

She sighed dramatically.

I shuddered.

"It seems like I've been so caught up in work that I've allowed my son to become this useless. It looks like I would need to remedy this problem immediately."

My spider senses had gone past the point of tingling as to be vibrating furiously to the point of breaking as it tried to warn me of danger. The look my mother was sending me promised more trouble than I would probably be able to survive.

"Why don't you come tomorrow to my office after school, Hachiman? I think it's past time I do my duty as your mother in educating you. The way you turned out was partly my fault too, I must admit. So it's now up to me to turn you into something that will a burden to society."

Oi, stop thinking about doing pointless things. I'm fine just the way I am, thank you!

And so, I desperately tried to find a way to get out of this.

"But didn't you say you will be busy tomorrow as you have something that you have to take care of personally?"

She shrugged.

"It might actually be better if you come and watch. You might just learn what being an adult is like."

I huffed.

"I'm already an adult. I bitch and whine, lie through my teeth, and do things that are unfair."

Despite my hope that this would get her to back off, it instead made her smile wider.

"That's perfect."

And that was the end of that.

/ _THE NEXT DAY_

"Hikki looks more dead than usual."

There were so many things wrong with that sentence that I didn't bother to spare the energy to correct them.

"Indeed, Yuigahama-san. Please record the time. The onset of rigor mortis should occur within a few hours."

I stayed in my preferred posture, my face on the table in the Service Club's room and my arms hanging at my sides.

I could almost imagine their frowns at my lack of a witty retort.

"Y—Yukinon! I—I think he might actually be—!"

"Calm down, Yuigahama-san. We must first remove all traces that might indicate of our involvement in this situation. Please dispose of the tea cups while I rearrange the chairs."

The scraping of chairs against the floor and the clinking of tea cups reached my ears, the movements sure but unhurried.

"Urgggh," my groan caused all movements to stop as a gasp of shock seemed to come from the both of them. I raised my head and gave both of them a disgruntled look.

"K—kyaaaah! H—Hikki's turned into a zombie!" Yuigahama cried as she hid behind Yukinoshita, probably hoping that the latter's washboard of a chest would prove to be an effective shield.

"C—Calm down, Yuigahama-san. I've read that zombies are blind and could only navigate through auditory information. If we keep quiet, it shouldn't be able to locate us."

With a sigh, I sat up and yawned. The two idiots stepped back warily. Oi, did they seriously think I actually died there? I know my eyes looked like those of a dead fish but the rest of my body aren't as rich in DHA you know!

"Oi, don't go killing me off without my consent."

"Eh? Hikki, you're alive!" Yuigahama exclaimed in shock.

"I should have known better. Hikigaya-kun's the cockroach type, after all. Very hard to kill, and very disgusting to look at."

So cold. Are you a certain run-away princess? Are you going to build an ice castle while singing a catchy song after trapping all of Chiba in eternal winter?

While these useless thoughts flitted through my head, Yuigahama and Yukinoshita made their way back to the table and sent me wary looks.

"Is there any reason why you looked worse than usual, Hikigaya-kun?"

I groaned but managed to sound out,

"Preserving energy."

At their inquiring looks, I explained how my mother wanted me to come to her workplace after school to make me help out at her workplace in the hopes that she could crush my dreams of being a house husband. Hmph. Dream on, woman. If anything, seeing how hard you corporate slaves work is bound to have me resent labor even more. My distorted self cannot be fixed by mere words or actions. Huh, I wonder what my reality marble looks like.

"Eh?! That's great, Hikki! I remember when my mom took me to her workplace when I was little. They gave me free bags of marshmallows afterward. Ehehe." Yuigahama's eyes clouded over at the memory.

It seemed as if she was lost in her own world and wouldn't be able to respond within the foreseeable future so I instead turned to the other member of the club.

A melancholy aura surrounded the ice-cold beauty, making her seem even more unreachable than usual.

Huh. Wonder what that was about.

I shook my head and continued.

"Anyway, she's sure to work me hard tonight, so I'm trying to preserve what energy I can in the meantime."

"I just gained a newfound respect for your mother, Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita finally seemed to break out of her melancholy to fire off insults in my direction. "Most people would give up when they see a lost cause. I guess a mother's love is something else, after all." She looked down and muttered something which I didn't catch, her face momentarily gaining a sad look for a brief second.

"A mother should know to accept their children as they are. No matter how ugly you turn out, your mother should be praising you as the most beautiful child she's ever laid eyes on. If you turn out to be a useless bum, your mother should accept that she's going to have to support you for a few more years than planned before having your little sister take care of you for the rest of your life."

I felt a brief sense of pride at the silence that came from my declaration.

"Hikki, you're gross."

"I truly pity Komachi-san. She must be a saint, to be able to live with such a disgusting creature." Yukinoshita pinched the bridge of her nose in distress.

Yukinoshita then suddenly perked up and looked me in the eye, her face one of such seriousness that I couldn't help but gulp and pay attention.

"That way of thinking is unacceptable, Hikigaya-kun. As I mentioned before, the goal of this club is not just to solve people's problems. We must also teach them how to be independent, so that they may then be able to solve their problems by themselves in the future. Give man a fish and he will be hungry after a day. Teach a man to fish and he will never be hungry for the rest of his life."

I snorted.

"Teach a man how to fish, and you're an idiot. That man was prime market to sell your fish to and now you've given him no reason to rely on your product anymore."

Somehow, the lukewarm gazes of my club mates made me shift in my seat.

/

The building looked like any other beside it. Entering through the front door, I could already hear the whirring of machinery as printers and fax machines served their human overlords. I walked up to the front desk and asked the way to he eighth floor, where my mother worked. She gave me a fake smile and directed me to an elevator.

Huh, that's weird. For such a busy place, this elevator is empty except for me.

There were many points in life where a person could say their life has changed. There was definitely a turning point in which an event completely and utterly destroys the little world in which you lived in and throws you into something so big, you will surely feel way out of your depth.

A midget could suddenly show up and stab you with a sword, thereby giving you her powers and delegating her job to you without an explanation of all the risks entailed. A girl who could grant wishes could fall from the sky, prompting her owners to send down their soldiers to retrieve her. An alien could show up out of nowhere and start living with you, thereby prompting a series of romcom scenes best left in hentai videos.

The event could also take a dark turn too. Said alien could trick you and your friends into making a contract without telling you that your souls would be separated from your bodies in the process, thereby leaving you and your friends, for all intents and purposes, as zombies. Even worse, the alien wouldn't even tell you that it is inevitable that you would turn into the very thing you were supposed to be fighting in the first place.

In conclusion, a single event can change a person's life, for better or worse. But whether life becomes better or worse, it is undeniable that it would be impossible for that person to live as he had before.

And as the elevator doors opened to the eighth floor of the building, I couldn't help the sinking feeling that settled into the pits of my stomach.

As the seven foot tall, dark skinned man glared down at me, I knew that my life had definitely reached a turning point.

"Haa? And who are you?" He growled.

Holy shit, I think I pissed myself a little.

The man was not only tall, but muscular. The black suit that he was wearing only served to outline the well-defined musculature of his body.

I didn't doubt for a second that he could crush me like a twig.

"Umm... teehee, sorry, I think I got the wrong floor."

I then proceeded to smash the button to close the elevator doors.

Alas, my hopes of escape were dashed as the man's hand, bigger than my head, stopped the doors from closing with such a firm grip that I could see the steel bend under his fingers.

I gulped.

"Bring him in."

An icy cold, yet somewhat familiar voice ordered from inside the room. The giant then grabbed my wrist and proceeded to bring me to the room. I could see other men, wearing suits, some with jewelry, looking our way calculatingly.

Wait, did my mother sell me to the Yakuza? Was this how she sought to beat my ideals out of me, by having the mob break me down and rebuild me from scratch?

As these thoughts floated through my head, we reached the middle of the room. I couldn't help but feel intimidated by all the rough-looking men in suits. I suddenly felt like I was standing trial with no hope of winning.

Please, let it not be so! I swear, I'll be a good boy! Just please don't let these men have their way with me!

A woman sat behind a desk, a cigarette in her mouth. One of the men proceeded to light it for her. She took a long inhale, before blowing out the smoke.

As she turned her chair toward me, my eyes immediately took in her features. Black hair that fell to her shoulders, a stunningly beautiful face, an hourglass figure hugged by a black dress, and eyes sharper than a knife's edge. She exuded an aura of elegant and predatory grace. I couldn't help but feel like an ant facing a tiger.

But there was one thing that I noticed that shocked my very being.

This woman was my mother. She was wearing make up and looked so different from her usual style that I almost didn't recognize her.

"M—mom? W—what's going on here?"

Her normally warm gaze was colder than Yukinoshita's coldest glare could ever be. Her face, usually in a warm motherly expression as she doted on Komachi looked like a commander, a general of an army, serious and stern.

One of the men sitting on a couch broke the silence.

"Quite articulate, isn't he?"

The rest broke out in snickers.

My mother paid them no mind and kept her attention to me.

Her eyes were so intense that I felt as if she was looking at me under a microscope.

I felt a minute tick by before she finally sighed and took another puff of her cigarette.

"I've raised such a disappointment."

Oi, I'm right here, you know!

I would have retorted instantly were this under any other circumstances. However, since the moment I entered the room, I've felt that I just got involved in something way over my head.

"Do you know why I gave you that name, Hachiman?"

I could only shake my head dumbly.

"Because I wanted you to grow up strong, like I did. I wanted you to live up to your name, to have the strength of eighty thousand men. To be _worth_ as much as eighty thousand men. I see now that it was my fault that you turned out this way. Humans, without motivation, without something to live for, will eventually end up worthless in the end. After all, why waste spending all that effort on something when you don't know where you're heading in the first place?"

"So what then," I snarled under my breath. "Do you really think selling me to the mob is going to fix me?"

She looked dumbfounded for a second before roaring in laughter. Not the warm sound of tinkling bells that I always hear whenever Komachi said something amusing, but an almost roar of primal amusement.

"Oi, Hachiman. Don't tell me you haven't figured it out yet? Are those eyes just for show? No matter how ridiculous they look, the eyes you inherited from your father are definitely of the highest quality. He could spot even the smallest details of anyone and anything. It made hiding all this such a pain, you know."

With a sigh, my mother took another puff if her cigarette.

"No, Hachiman, I didn't sell you to the mob. I _am_ the mob"

/

A/N: I remember in season 1 that someone made a that Hachiman could become a criminal. I thought to myself, 'huh, he might actually be fairly successful if he was one'. And thus, this was born.

I only wrote this for fun without any intentions of making it a serious story, so it might just devolve into crack. Thus, I have vague ideas on where to go from here but should I even continue this or does it seem too cheesy?

Writing might be bad since I stopped writing for a while. Sorry about that.


End file.
